part I: someone loves me

I kissed his neck and said stop talking.

thinking my mouths touch could express

every word he wished I would say

I woke up the next morning

unknowing to the damage I’d done

to his body and heart. 

/empty expressions/ 


hands that were once so loving became cold,

words that were once so kind became cruel.

is all of you a lie?

/uncertainty/ 


I looked at you and lied,

knowing that any truth I spoke

would only do you harm.

but for my own selfish reasons,

I couldn’t let you go.

/Sorry/ 


I wanted to call you and tell you about all the things that have changed,

then I remembered you were just another one of them.

/oblivion-unmasked/


imagining me & you was easy

it was as if we never fell apart.

/we did/


you made me see love

and in the process,

realize I’d never been in it.

//until now//


while a part of me wishes to kiss you,

another screams to run away.

knowing that I,

am not the only one,

to feel your abundance of love.

/always running/ 


“It makes me mad because I know I could make you so freaking happy.”

It makes me mad too.

/path-to-destruction/ 


He asked me what was wrong with me when I acted like myself.

I didn’t know how to reply.

/unwanted?/ 


I regret letting you pressure me into believing

that love was expressed through touch.

there are different forms of affection

that don’t require taking my clothes off.

/impure/


Do you love me?

Are you in love with me?

At all?

Or do you only desire the idea of me?

I’m starting to feel like a project

/a work in progress/ 

an open apology to myself 

DEAR MIND,

I am sorry for the times I doubted and ignored you. I’m sorry for damaging you for what I thought was eternal. I’m sorry for allowing others to, too. I’m sorry for overworking you until you felt empty. I’m sorry for not letting you make me happy, I know you tried. I’m sorry for redirecting your thoughts and changing your views. I’m sorry for not listening and not acting upon every instruction you rightfully gave me. I’m sorry for losing you when I needed you the most.

DEAR HEART,

I’m sorry for making you feel weak when all you wanted to be was strong. I’m sorry for letting others tug on your strings whenever they pleased. I’m sorry for not guarding you with my entire being. I should’ve. I’m sorry for letting you go, only to call back for you, again and again. I’m sorry for letting you break. I’m sorry for not realizing how much love you held until I took it all away.

DEAR EYES,

I’m sorry for letting you become weary and dry. I’m sorry for the rivers you’ve cried and the sorrow, only you, have seen. I’m sorry for the things you saw; the things you shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for not turning away. I’m sorry that you couldn’t speak the emotions your pupils conveyed. I’m sorry you had to sit there, watching, defenseless. I, at times, feel the same.

DEAR MOUTH,

I’m sorry for the things I did and didn’t put inside of you. I’m sorry for neglecting you on the days you watered pining for nourishment and love. I’m sorry for letting mouths of those who mean nothing to me force themselves upon you. I’m sorry for their brittle touch and for the way it made you quiver. I’m sorry for the times you wished to scream, but said nothing at all. I couldn’t bare your sound. I’m sorry for the times you spoke too loudly and abruptly, creating no influence at all. I know you thought it would help. I’m sorry for not loving you the way you should be loved, I’m sorry for not letting others.

DEAR BODY, 

I’m sorry for the way your ribs peak out when you breathe. I’m sorry for not providing adequate warmth. I’m sorry for trying to make you looking like something that’s photoshopped onto billboards; I’m sorry for only loving you when I felt that you did. I’m sorry for letting others look at you like something that’s already theirs. I’m sorry for letting you feel like instantly acquired property rather than a hidden buried treasure. I’m sorry for the hands that touched you in your coldest moments. I’m sorry that I believed that they could provide you warmth.

I’m sorry for the times that I couldn’t avoid others’ grasps. I’m sorry for the way they gripped you; ways you shouldn’t ever be gripped. I’m sorry for not pushing back hard enough, for not defending you enough. I’m sorry that people feel entitled to your embrace. I’m sorry that they think you’re an open invitation. I wish that no meant no. Some tend to believe that no means yes, or at least that’s what they said. They thought you wanted their touch. Maybe they knew you didn’t, but didn’t care at all. I’m sorry for not loving you for what you precisely are. I wish I never expected more of you. I’m sorry for letting society conform you into a mold of something other than yourself. You are perfect, I hope it isn’t too late for you to see it.

DEAR ME,

I’m sorry for not allowing you to be your true self. I’m sorry for seeing you worst qualities rather than your best. I’m sorry for thinking that critiquing  was the only path to bettering yourself. I’m sorry for truly believing that you weren’t ever enough for yourself, or much less the world. I’m sorry for not telling you your own worth, every morning and evening, of every day. I’m sorry for not cherishing you the way you should be cherished. I’m sorry for thinking that others could fulfill your needs. I’m sorry for seeing you as one human of the billions, rather than one of a kind.

You are perfect and you are mine.“”