an open apology to myself 

DEAR MIND,

I am sorry for the times I doubted and ignored you. I’m sorry for damaging you for what I thought was eternal. I’m sorry for allowing others to, too. I’m sorry for overworking you until you felt empty. I’m sorry for not letting you make me happy, I know you tried. I’m sorry for redirecting your thoughts and changing your views. I’m sorry for not listening and not acting upon every instruction you rightfully gave me. I’m sorry for losing you when I needed you the most.

DEAR HEART,

I’m sorry for making you feel weak when all you wanted to be was strong. I’m sorry for letting others tug on your strings whenever they pleased. I’m sorry for not guarding you with my entire being. I should’ve. I’m sorry for letting you go, only to call back for you, again and again. I’m sorry for letting you break. I’m sorry for not realizing how much love you held until I took it all away.

DEAR EYES,

I’m sorry for letting you become weary and dry. I’m sorry for the rivers you’ve cried and the sorrow, only you, have seen. I’m sorry for the things you saw; the things you shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for not turning away. I’m sorry that you couldn’t speak the emotions your pupils conveyed. I’m sorry you had to sit there, watching, defenseless. I, at times, feel the same.

DEAR MOUTH,

I’m sorry for the things I did and didn’t put inside of you. I’m sorry for neglecting you on the days you watered pining for nourishment and love. I’m sorry for letting mouths of those who mean nothing to me force themselves upon you. I’m sorry for their brittle touch and for the way it made you quiver. I’m sorry for the times you wished to scream, but said nothing at all. I couldn’t bare your sound. I’m sorry for the times you spoke too loudly and abruptly, creating no influence at all. I know you thought it would help. I’m sorry for not loving you the way you should be loved, I’m sorry for not letting others.

DEAR BODY, 

I’m sorry for the way your ribs peak out when you breathe. I’m sorry for not providing adequate warmth. I’m sorry for trying to make you looking like something that’s photoshopped onto billboards; I’m sorry for only loving you when I felt that you did. I’m sorry for letting others look at you like something that’s already theirs. I’m sorry for letting you feel like instantly acquired property rather than a hidden buried treasure. I’m sorry for the hands that touched you in your coldest moments. I’m sorry that I believed that they could provide you warmth.

I’m sorry for the times that I couldn’t avoid others’ grasps. I’m sorry for the way they gripped you; ways you shouldn’t ever be gripped. I’m sorry for not pushing back hard enough, for not defending you enough. I’m sorry that people feel entitled to your embrace. I’m sorry that they think you’re an open invitation. I wish that no meant no. Some tend to believe that no means yes, or at least that’s what they said. They thought you wanted their touch. Maybe they knew you didn’t, but didn’t care at all. I’m sorry for not loving you for what you precisely are. I wish I never expected more of you. I’m sorry for letting society conform you into a mold of something other than yourself. You are perfect, I hope it isn’t too late for you to see it.

DEAR ME,

I’m sorry for not allowing you to be your true self. I’m sorry for seeing you worst qualities rather than your best. I’m sorry for thinking that critiquing  was the only path to bettering yourself. I’m sorry for truly believing that you weren’t ever enough for yourself, or much less the world. I’m sorry for not telling you your own worth, every morning and evening, of every day. I’m sorry for not cherishing you the way you should be cherished. I’m sorry for thinking that others could fulfill your needs. I’m sorry for seeing you as one human of the billions, rather than one of a kind.

You are perfect and you are mine.“”

on walking away

And he watched her walk away in utter astonishment. He’d never seen someone walk away from him with such ease before.

She walked with her head up high, little did he know, refusing to look back. It looked so easy for her, as if he had never mattered at all.

He sat with his back slouched to the bench, thinking. Thinking of what he had just done, of who she was, and of who she would be. Thinking that he’d probably never know.

The more he thought, the further away she seemed to be. She walked step by step until she was only a distant memory in his mind. And he was right. She was.

She wouldn’t look back, ever. Not even for a second.

The moment she chose to do that, she knew she had the power to choose anything.

And with knowing that, she chose to keep walking.

Far away from the restrictions life held for her, far away from the things that tied her down to one place at a time.

She chose to do the things he always told her she couldn’t.

With the knowledge of knowing she could, she did.

She dyed her hair the way she had wanted to.  She went to that bar across the street, the one HE hated. She ate pizza for breakfast. She wrote what she thought was important. And the thing she loved the most was, she didn’t care.

She was happy.

And she made a choice to keep walking away whenever she wasn’t.

 

an open letter to the ones who hurt us

I spent most of my life feeling lost, a feeling that differs with most people. Some people refer to lost in the sense of reminiscing. For example, being a child deserted in the middle of the grocery store, desperate to find his mother.

For me, lost has meant something entirely different.

I feel lost in the sense of being myself. I know entirely who I am, yet I do everything in my power to fight the truth off. I’m lost within who I am, who I want to be, and who I am expected to be.

I find that my life has been sending me the same obstacles, over and over again. Each time, I fall a little steeper within the cracks.

For short moments, I thought I had found the answer.

Little did I know, relying on a person to save you from your own darkness can only last so long.

I have brief moments of seeing the light. When it fades, I close my eyes, and each time I do, I see you.

When I couldn’t see the good in myself, I knew one person did. You saw the good in the world, and the way you spoke of it, made me believe it was there too. You reminded me who I was, and that was something that I hadn’t been able to see for a very long time. You showed me that love existed, even in the strangest of circumstances and forms.

I thank you for those reminders, and I thank you for the person you used to be. I thank you for turning on the temporary light when I needed it the most.

Although I am grateful for those small moments of positivity, the negatives are what left me where I am today. I once was lost, but I could have been found. You left me to the point where I believed I was “permanently damaged.”

I understand now that I am not.

For a long time, you went out of your way to make me who I wasn’t. You may not have intentionally, but it confused me of everything I had once valued. You transformed the way I spoke, thought, and felt. I said less in order to be of importance to you, and I did more to impress you. I learned the arts of manipulation, and utter destruction. I apologized for things that I didn’t say (as much as you believe I did), and felt the pain that you never owned up to for causing.

I still don’t blame you, nor will I ever. Unlike you, I will always admit to the fact that I care. I will never stop caring, but I won’t let you use that for your own advantage anymore. I may always have a problem with relying on others to fill the hole you left me with, but I won’t let you dig it any deeper.

So, here’s my open letter to you,

Thank you for teaching me how to love, although it was in the worst of forms. The moments good, and bad have stuck with me every day since. I’m sorry for believing that you were the one to save me out of my own darkness. I’m sorry for saying too much, or even too little. I’m also sorry for doing whatever made you treat me the way you do today. I promise you that I will never make someone feel the way you made me feel these past years. I will probably never make someone care for me the way that you gave me the opportunity to, and I will never fall as hard as I did for you. As much as I’d love to hate you, I would be lying if I said I did. As much as I want to keep caring, I know I would be pathetic for carrying on doing so any longer.

I’m attempting to accept the fact that you are toxic for me, and I am toxic for you. I hope to one day find a relationship that has the same heightened level of feelings, but less of the sickness. I hope you find the same.

As much as I stupidly wish to be given one hundred more chances, I need to understand that you should be the one asking for them. Your silent treatments, harsh words, and actions have left me hurt over and over again.

You may not enjoy confronting your own fears and issues, but I hope you see that at some point we all have to. I wanted to be the one to help you work through them, but I now understand that I cannot. The more I tried, the worse you treated me. I hope you someday let someone see your heart for what it was, before you decided to put a shield over it.

I loved you, and probably always will. It’s an awful curse that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. At one point it was the greatest privilege in the world, but you then made it into the most toxic.

This is my oddest form of closure, writing what I would never ever have the guts to say to you. I just wanted you to know that you matter, and that you did especially to me. I wanted to you to understand that I had the highest hopes of being everything to you, and will always be saddened by the fact that I ended up being absolutely nothing.

I also refuse to sit, pine, and compare over you anymore. I’m working to understand that I deserve more, and you weren’t everything that I wanted. I wanted to be treated above averagely, and cared for beyond measure. I’m working to understand that you will never be the one open to do that. I refuse to participate in your games anymore, or let you take advantage of my vulnerability.

I no longer will be relating you to the “light” that I saw in the world, nor will I relate you to the darkness.

I appreciate the largely based impact you made on my life good, and bad.

I really am going to try to let this be my actual closure this time. I will not think about you anymore in comparison to perfectly good guys, who actually care enough to be with me. It will be hard, but I need to let you go.

So, this is me saying goodbye. I will now be repairing the damages this entire mind game left me with.

a message to any freshman (wherever you may be)

To All The Beginners of New Chapters

I recently discovered that not only have I finished two years of high school, but that I only have two more left. I also have discovered that I am about to embark on one of the worst years of my life, junior year, and take the standardized test that ultimately decides my future. After taking that, I will spend hours filling out college applications to places that I have spent hours narrowing down to, and some of them will be out of my wildest dreams. And hopefully, just maybe, I will find the college I have waited years for. Or maybe, it will be the opposite of what I waited for. I won’t know until I get there.

Recently, I began to reminisce to my freshman year. I started helping out with a program at the high school, Connect 9,  a group of upperclassmen who all come together throughout the year to help freshman become connected within the school. While doing so, something popped in my head. I am going to be a freshman again, just not at the high school. But probably in a different state, on my own, with no parents, which is even scarier. At the same time, I realized it’s all the same. It’s a new beginning in my life.  A clean slate, a new place, and a window of endless opportunities all at my reach. The question that always stands is, how will I take advantage of them?

Since I have already gone through that dreaded year, I figured I’d share some of my maybe, somewhat helpful insight. Here are the things that I learned from my freshman, and sophomore year. Maybe you’ll learn them earlier than I did (hopefully) :

1. Don’t be someone you’re not. 

You will meet dozens of people who are all the same. Dressing the same, acting the same, and thinking the same. Do not be afraid to stand out and take a different path. Kids your age may not respect it, but adults will. Original wins, always.

2. Change is OKAY. 

Although it’s terrifying and stressful, you will adjust. We are put on this world with the ability to adapt. If I can do it, TRUST ME. You can too. All it takes is an open mind, and some positive thinking. Do not do what I did, and go into high school with the mindset of it sucking. If you do, it probably will.

3. Meet New People

This is one of the few things I did right throughout my experience at EPHS. Do not only talk to your small group of 5 friends because I promise when you get to college, it’s going to be harder than you think. Take the time to get to know people in your classes, and who you sit next to. There are so many interesting individuals around us, yet we are so oblivious to the fact that their there sometimes. Some of my greatest friends were made my freshman year, and I wouldn’t change it in a second. Get out of your bubble, and comfort zone. Learn how to communicate.

4. Get to know your teachers.

This is huge, and one of my favorite parts of high school. Especially at Eden Prairie, most of the teachers are more influential, and passionate than anyone you’ll ever meet. Listen and respect them. Please take the time to say thank you, and actually appreciate the time they spend teaching you. They are preparing you for your future and have the best of intentions. IF you actually try to develop a relationship…what some would even call a friendship, it is EXTREMELY beneficial. When you need a recommendation, they’ll be there. When you have an extremely hard time taking a test, they might even be there too.

5. Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment.

High school is a bumpy road for most, if not all people. Things happen and it will suck. Remember to not let that guide you down the wrong road. We’re all changing, growing, and teenagers. There are hormones and emotions that will always be more than we can handle. Try your best to. Remember your morals, and what you stand for as a person. Don’t lose the things you value the most.

6. Your first boyfriend or girlfriend. 

Some of you will date, and most of you will have your first heartbreak too. High school is when things begin to get a little more serious than they used to back in eighth grade. The best quote I have ever heard about love is, “it shouldn’t make you any less of who you are”. If you in any way feel like your sacrificing who you are, and what you love to do. Just drop it. We’re too young anyways, and there’s so much more time to get involved with stuff like that. I don’t blame whoever does because I do understand. I am, and always have been a romantic who lives in romantic comedies, and love stories. When I fall, it’s hard. It’s just really important to remember, it’s not the end of the world when you’re sixteen years old and lose the first guy you loved. It’s just a lesson to be learned.

7. We all mess up sometimes.

Sometimes, our emotions do end up clouding our judgment. If you ask 90% of high schoolers if they’ve done something they regret within the past year, they will say yes. Maybe you’ll lose a friend, or respect, whatever it is, you will get through it. BUT, only if you decide to have the strength to. Don’t turn to substances, or random hook ups, or whatever society taught us is the newly accepted way of pushing away our feelings. Instead, cry a little, or a lot. Even be a hermit for awhile, and then decide to move on.

8. GRADES MATTER! 

Hopefully you know this. I have always known this, but for some reason, freshman year I had a different perspective of what a good grade was. I’m not a genius, and I don’t get straight A’s. For all of you who do, praise God every morning you wake up. I wish with all my heart that I had that security in my life. For those of you who don’t, remember to try your hardest. Think of working hard and times it by 10. Do that, but also don’t be too hard on yourself. But do not be stupid and decide to not try. Your future is in YOUR hands, and you have the ability to make it all you wished it to be.

9. Distractions

In high school, whether it’s drama, or twitter, you will get distracted. Avoid those distractions at all costs. Run from them. They are a waste of time, and take chunks out of your once beautiful GPA. You start with a 4.0, do not lose it out of stupidity. I BEG of you.

10. Take advantage of opportunities.

Do not, do not, DO NOT miss out on them. Join clubs, try out for sports, do whatever your heart desires. Not only do they look good on college apps, but they also make you feel better about yourself. A good GPA is great, but what’s even better is having extra curricular’s on top of it. These clubs may seem silly now, but they may end up being one of your biggest passions. I started volunteering through the high school, and I can honestly say it’s something that I will spend doing for a very, very long time. Try new things, and enjoy them.

After 10 of my biggest lessons, I’ll leave saying one thing. High school is exactly what you make it to be. It’s all up to you.

Sincerely,

girl who is dreading the future