love would always be a lie

He loved all the parts of her that she hated, and he reminded her of them almost every day. And maybe that’s why she drifted each time he told her that he loved her. Because each time he did she was reminded how much she couldn’t love herself, and how much she desperately wished to be able to. He gave her a love she hadn’t felt before. That scared her. It made her want to run.

She believed she was the epitome of destruction. So, that’s exactly what she sought out to be. Whenever things seemed to be going too well for her own good, she found a way to ruin them. She pushed with such a force that anyone who dared to love her would want to run away.

She waited for the day that someone would push back. The day that someone would tell her to stop. To tell her that they weren’t going anywhere no matter how much she tried.

But at the end of the day, no one stayed. No one pushed back. They just left.

Because of that, to her, love would always be a lie. And each time someone walked away, the words meaning became less and less.

on walking away

And he watched her walk away in utter astonishment. He’d never seen someone walk away from him with such ease before.

She walked with her head up high, little did he know, refusing to look back. It looked so easy for her, as if he had never mattered at all.

He sat with his back slouched to the bench, thinking. Thinking of what he had just done, of who she was, and of who she would be. Thinking that he’d probably never know.

The more he thought, the further away she seemed to be. She walked step by step until she was only a distant memory in his mind. And he was right. She was.

She wouldn’t look back, ever. Not even for a second.

The moment she chose to do that, she knew she had the power to choose anything.

And with knowing that, she chose to keep walking.

Far away from the restrictions life held for her, far away from the things that tied her down to one place at a time.

She chose to do the things he always told her she couldn’t.

With the knowledge of knowing she could, she did.

She dyed her hair the way she had wanted to.  She went to that bar across the street, the one HE hated. She ate pizza for breakfast. She wrote what she thought was important. And the thing she loved the most was, she didn’t care.

She was happy.

And she made a choice to keep walking away whenever she wasn’t.

 

the ways I don’t tell you

Whenever you feel that I’m hiding things from you, it’s most likely that you’re correct.

It’s mostly for your benefit that I don’t say how I feel or elaborate on what I mean.

Because if I did, it’s most likely that I’d lose you.

I’ve learned from experience that it’s best to hold onto how I feel.

Because the things left unsaid are better than confronting the truth.

Maybe I’m wrong for believing that you are the same as everyone else.

But you’ve never proven to be anything else.

And if you did prove to be, the truth is I’d push you away.

Because I have a fear of losing what’s closest to me,

so instead of letting it happen

I’ll make you go.

Because I know you will do it on your own sooner than later.

Because people like you don’t stay with people like me.

And it’s my fault that I think that way,

but I’ve never met anyone who stays long enough to change my mind.

So when you feel that I’m hiding things from you,

remember that it’s better.

Because if you knew how I feel,

you’d run away.

By not telling you,

you will stay a little longer.

And then,

for once,

everything will stay as it is momentarily.

Before everything begins to change.

 

crowded streets, lonely minds

loneliness (of the place) // the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation

The crowded rooms, hallways, and streets surround us. Crowded, one of my least favorite words available in the dictionary.

The strangest part about these crowded streets is that in our minds, they don’t feel so crowded at all. Sometimes they’re the most lonely places in the world. At least, that’s how i’ve felt while walking through them. Some see lonely as sad, and an unfortunate type of isolation. To me, loneliness has simply given me room to grow. It’s given me the much needed space to see things in a different perspective, and what I really want from the world.

People often think that being present in these places full of people, that you’d feel the overwhelming anxiety of being stuck within the crowd. They think that you’d be stuck within the people, the conversations, the movements, and that’s all true. I’ve also found that  although i’m present with the people around me, it feels as if my mind is elsewhere.

I’ve found that the places I walk through are surrounded by people I know, but feel as if I don’t at all. I’m surrounded in a circle of conversations speaking of countless words, with no meaning. I’m surrounded by faces that are blurred by my thoughts.

I sit waiting, wishing, and looking into the distance for something that could possibly mean more than the crowd i’m standing within.

I keep waiting for the day that conversations become meaningful again. I wait for the day that people realize the importance of life. I wait for the day that people will realize our worth is not based off of our status, but our integrity. I wait for the day that people buy the books to read, not just for show on the shelf. I wait for the day that people choose to be aware rather than oblivious to the world around them. I wait for the day that people live to have ineffable experiences, that are more than just average. I wait for the day that real, honest, brutal passion returns. I wait for the day that I get to witness what I call, true love.  Most of all, I wait for the day that I wish to be present in a conversation rather than stay in solitude within my mind.

Until then, I have discovered I rather be elsewhere. If elsewhere is a place in my mind that is unrealistic, I find that it’s more comforting than the reality surrounding me.

Maybe someday our conversations will be more. Maybe someday the madness in our minds will return, and passion will be fueled again. Maybe someday those passions will lead as inspiration to others to follow their own. Maybe, just maybe, the world I live in will be interesting again.

That day will be the day that I choose to be present within the crowd, until then, i’ll stick with elsewhere.

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