I spent most of my life feeling lost, a feeling that differs with most people. Some people refer to lost in the sense of reminiscing. For example, being a child deserted in the middle of the grocery store, desperate to find his mother.
For me, lost has meant something entirely different.
I feel lost in the sense of being myself. I know entirely who I am, yet I do everything in my power to fight the truth off. I’m lost within who I am, who I want to be, and who I am expected to be.
I find that my life has been sending me the same obstacles, over and over again. Each time, I fall a little steeper within the cracks.
For short moments, I thought I had found the answer.
Little did I know, relying on a person to save you from your own darkness can only last so long.
I have brief moments of seeing the light. When it fades, I close my eyes, and each time I do, I see you.
When I couldn’t see the good in myself, I knew one person did. You saw the good in the world, and the way you spoke of it, made me believe it was there too. You reminded me who I was, and that was something that I hadn’t been able to see for a very long time. You showed me that love existed, even in the strangest of circumstances and forms.
I thank you for those reminders, and I thank you for the person you used to be. I thank you for turning on the temporary light when I needed it the most.
Although I am grateful for those small moments of positivity, the negatives are what left me where I am today. I once was lost, but I could have been found. You left me to the point where I believed I was “permanently damaged.”
I understand now that I am not.
For a long time, you went out of your way to make me who I wasn’t. You may not have intentionally, but it confused me of everything I had once valued. You transformed the way I spoke, thought, and felt. I said less in order to be of importance to you, and I did more to impress you. I learned the arts of manipulation, and utter destruction. I apologized for things that I didn’t say (as much as you believe I did), and felt the pain that you never owned up to for causing.
I still don’t blame you, nor will I ever. Unlike you, I will always admit to the fact that I care. I will never stop caring, but I won’t let you use that for your own advantage anymore. I may always have a problem with relying on others to fill the hole you left me with, but I won’t let you dig it any deeper.
So, here’s my open letter to you,
Thank you for teaching me how to love, although it was in the worst of forms. The moments good, and bad have stuck with me every day since. I’m sorry for believing that you were the one to save me out of my own darkness. I’m sorry for saying too much, or even too little. I’m also sorry for doing whatever made you treat me the way you do today. I promise you that I will never make someone feel the way you made me feel these past years. I will probably never make someone care for me the way that you gave me the opportunity to, and I will never fall as hard as I did for you. As much as I’d love to hate you, I would be lying if I said I did. As much as I want to keep caring, I know I would be pathetic for carrying on doing so any longer.
I’m attempting to accept the fact that you are toxic for me, and I am toxic for you. I hope to one day find a relationship that has the same heightened level of feelings, but less of the sickness. I hope you find the same.
As much as I stupidly wish to be given one hundred more chances, I need to understand that you should be the one asking for them. Your silent treatments, harsh words, and actions have left me hurt over and over again.
You may not enjoy confronting your own fears and issues, but I hope you see that at some point we all have to. I wanted to be the one to help you work through them, but I now understand that I cannot. The more I tried, the worse you treated me. I hope you someday let someone see your heart for what it was, before you decided to put a shield over it.
I loved you, and probably always will. It’s an awful curse that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. At one point it was the greatest privilege in the world, but you then made it into the most toxic.
This is my oddest form of closure, writing what I would never ever have the guts to say to you. I just wanted you to know that you matter, and that you did especially to me. I wanted to you to understand that I had the highest hopes of being everything to you, and will always be saddened by the fact that I ended up being absolutely nothing.
I also refuse to sit, pine, and compare over you anymore. I’m working to understand that I deserve more, and you weren’t everything that I wanted. I wanted to be treated above averagely, and cared for beyond measure. I’m working to understand that you will never be the one open to do that. I refuse to participate in your games anymore, or let you take advantage of my vulnerability.
I no longer will be relating you to the “light” that I saw in the world, nor will I relate you to the darkness.
I appreciate the largely based impact you made on my life good, and bad.
I really am going to try to let this be my actual closure this time. I will not think about you anymore in comparison to perfectly good guys, who actually care enough to be with me. It will be hard, but I need to let you go.
So, this is me saying goodbye. I will now be repairing the damages this entire mind game left me with.